In Honor of Love

Earlier today I was told that I should be thinking fondly of those that I have loved, and I was. But as I further thought about it, I realized that I needed to be a little constructive regarding this "love" or else nothing would come of it as my thoughts simply drifted off into mental space. So here I am, after taking a little emotional journey down lover's lane, ready to share with whomever reads this - a musical story of that oft clichéd "love of my life"...in honor of Valentine's Day, in honor of Love.

Those dearest to me all know who Johnny is and the role he played (and still plays) in my life. We spent over 5 years as best friends & as loves. While we ended our relationship long ago and both had new relationships come and go, I know that our love for each other never truly diminished. Johnny is taken from this world now but still lives on forever in my heart and in each of the songs I am about to share with you. Hopefully this offers a little insight into who we were then, who I am now, and how great love is when you find it.


They Might Be Giants - We've Got a World That Swings
Few people know this, but this was "our song". Through so much of our time together, we were so stuck in our own little world. We didn't care what was going on "out there". Of course, the world did still move and we were still thrust into it daily. This song always reminded us that while we couldn't leave the world and its demands completely, having each other at the end (and beginning) of each day made it all okay.
"Up at dawn and sleepy & yawning, still the taste of wine, then I remember you're mine and I've got a world that's fine...what's before me, routines that bore me, punch the clock at 8, but what a lucky guy I am, I've got a world that's great"

Gene - I Can't Help Myself
Just after we'd started our relationship, we'd be up all hours of the night. A couple of our friends, Claudia & Lorena, had a radio show in the middle of the night that we'd stay up and listen to. One night, we called in and requested to hear something by Gene. All the station had was one 7" and this is the song that the girls chose to play, the B-side, which we'd never heard. I'm not sure if the girls knew what they were doing, but it's a song about a love just beginning and it warmed our little hearts ever so.

Squirrel Nut Zippers - Meant to Be
One of our favourite bands and one of our favourite songs of theirs. I could go through the whole story of how we eventually met, but it's a very very long story...needless to say, that story just made it seem like fate that we'd one day meet and were truly "meant to be".

Sarah McLachlan - I Love You
Like all couples, fights develop over the simplest of things. One day, Johnny had a class and we were due to pick up an extra shift of volunteering at the LGBT center on campus. I usually dropped Johnny off at this class, but we were scrapped for time on this particular day so I couldn't and this of course made Johnny storm off mad. I had to storm off in the other direction so I wouldn't be late to volunteer. After his class, he rushed over to me at the LGBT center and quickly forced headphones into my ears and this is the song that played. "And I forgot, to tell you 'I love you'"...that's all he wanted me to hear at that point.

Echobelly - Worms and Angels
Echobelly is one of the rare, great finds I discovered randomly through BMG. When I got this CD, this particular song stood out as so amazing and special. I rushed into the room when Johnny was napping to tell him he had to hear this song immediately. We laid there together and both were swept away into this beautiful and serene picture painted by Sonia Aurora. Echobelly became one of Johnny's favourite bands and in our eventual break-up, their album "People Are Expensive" became my salvation.

Mama Cass Elliot - Dream a Little Dream of Me
Davis is a biking/walking town and we did a lot of that. Whenever we walked, we would hold hands...kinda scary but we were in love and thought nothing could harm us. But still, my hands would get especially clammy during the early days. One night while walking home, Johnny asked me to sing him something and I chose "Dream a Little Dream of Me", knowing his deep fondness for the song. Hand in hand, I went through the whole song, through to the final whistle. The clamminess seemed to be less of a problem after that moment. It's one of the fondest memories I have, and one we talked about often afterward.

Smoking Popes - Follow the Sound
I don't know how many people paid attention to Smoking Popes after their awesome song "Need You Around" but their third album "Destination Failure" is a fantastic power-pop joy. This song is the final song on the album and certainly the best in my opinion. Johnny and I often joked about the song but ultimately loved the message of having a particular sound that your love would use to beckon you in the afterlife. Not sure if we ever decided on a sound for ourselves, but the nice humming at the end of this track could do the trick.

Claude Debussy - Claire de Lune
I can't count all the times we'd fall asleep listening to this song. Is this the reason why Debussy is my favourite classical composer? I'm pretty certain it is. This song is insanely gorgeous.

The Aluminum Group - Star Wish
After we'd broken up for good and I forced myself to move on, Johnny would often cite this song. It was sad to hear but ultimately showed how much he still cared about me.
"I throw quarters, quarters in the fountain, with the hopes that one of them will work and you will change your mind and then you'll return. And you can find it in your heart to erase these stupid wishes that I wanted, then I'll wish for you the rest of my life".

The Aislers Set - The Red Door
This song didn't make immediate sense to me at the time, but the more I heard it and honed in on the lyrics instead of its super energy, I heard the message. After Johnny and I were broken up, he lived in his own section of his parents' home. It was an artist's haven, paints and canvases everywhere, tchotchkes and a hair dresser's chair...it was neat. Within it, Johnny painted one of his doors red in honor of this great song. The lyrics deal with the protagonist only having a red door, a gray house, a car and an r-e-d-b-i-c-y-c-l-e but what they really wanted was to be the everything to that special someone; their "warmest room at night", their "favorite bar in town", their "lighted walk at night" and "the reason you came back here". Johnny was the only reason I came back to LA, so he did have that.

Ooberman - Alone at Last
I also had a message well after we'd broken up, and it came in this song. I don't know if he ever paid attention to it at the very end of a series of mixes I'd made him, but I made sure it was there. I probably should have expressed it myself in person, but that's what fear gets you...
"Everyday, life is like a crowded room, I mean to say so many things but never really do, like do you know, you're my inspiration, love you, love you...
Go to sleep, I'll gently sing a lullaby, your soul to keep, I'll miss you til the day I die, sink further down to a sea of dreaming goodbyes, goodbye."


In loving memory of Johnny Cruz Ortiz...I miss you and love you forever.

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All songs can be downloaded through their individual links above or as one .rar file HERE.